Diary of Kitou Aya . One Litre of Tears

I started watching One Litre of Tears during beginning Aug 06 and was so touched by the story. Finally I managed to get a copy of chinese translated diary.I understand the feelings of some of the fans like me unable to read the diary but crazily hoping the english translation would come out one day soon so I thought I wana translate the diary to English and spread out Kitou Aya's goodness and strong desireness to survive when she was alive.

Friday, April 27, 2007

The understanding of a handicapped. (Part 2 of 4)

Yesterday was my turn to go to the library for my duties, I spent 20 minutes walking along the second floor walkway, but when I reached there was no one, I’m really too slow. I was depressed, borrowed a book. If I exceeded the time where the school gate close, I can just call the hostel and school, but still I cant help but cry again.

Just only around 4pm, the librarian scolded me,” Go back quick! If you want to borrow books, you have to come earlier.” I was so angry! What a cold-blooded person. My movements are 1 time slower than a normal person. It’s impossible to plan ahead of my time no matter how hard I try. And I spend too much time on daily routines like washing clothes. This stuffs are not using just time that I can solve the problem.

Today’s destination is the zoo. I’m so tired of going to places like the zoo. The boring faces of a orang utan, black monkeys that throw stones, penguins that doesn’t catch fish, and etc.

I really hate the daily duties of the hostel, but for the sake of adapting to the group environment, this is something I can’t avoid. I always so slow, no matter how hard I try I’m always slower than the others. During the announcement, the duties are only half done, during the end of the fitness lesson, the in charge told me, “Aya, You didn’t clean up your room. Go to toilet and clean up the rubbish and towels.”

“Please forgive me, I will endure all the pain and challenge…” God, please tell me. When will all this end? This always in the end makes me even weaker.
If my body can be more active, even if cleaning the toilets, I will be more than happy to clean it. But as I couldn’t control my movements well, I can only scold in my mind “I detest it!” But my mouth just couldn’t say it, and everyone just left.

Returning back to the room, I couldn’t help but burst out crying. The hostel auntie saw me and said, “ You can’t always cry in a group environment. “ But what exactly should I do instead?

Sorry for waiting so long. The 2nd part of it….

Saturday, March 31, 2007

The understanding of a handicapped. (Part 1 of 4)

A May’s sunny day let us feeling so eased. Today there is a small sport event and it happens to be on Mother’s day. And something that I cannot forget, which is Sister’s birthday. It is really a wonderful day.
I called my cousin at Nagoya, hope she can come over and visit me. Because I want her to know how hard working I am to survive. Huimei and me are childhood buddies; we always share the same bed. During the summer and winter holidays, we would go to each other’s house for vacation.
She wore a white shirt, a dress, clipping a gold hair clip on her curly hair and wearing red heel shoes. With her long eyelashes and big eyes and beautiful features, it’s difficult to imagine her only a high school third year student. She’s always mistaken as a men’s cousin. Ah Xiang came and visit me too.
The corner of the sports hall grew a bunch of fortune grasses. We sat together and started to search for a 4-clover leaf. We hoped we could give our mum good fortune. “Is 4-clover leaf very fortunate?” Huimei asked. So I tell her how I feel from the bottom of my heart. “4-clover leaf is the transformation of a 3-clover leaf, it is said rare change things give luck to us… “ Huimei understood deeply and replied, “Is it because it is rare?” Yar, it’s because it is rare then it will me people feel fortunate. Once you find it, you will feel great and joyful, and then the fortunate feeling will flow through you.
Today I fall again and hurt myself, and I cried again. I should be stronger. It could be due to the morning my actions are too rushed or my feelings too rushing. I tell myself to bring my leg forward but in the end it didn’t follow my commands. Thus, my body fell, I wanted to bring out my hand and blocked, but I can’t and bang….
While on the way to the medical room through a stretcher, I saw the sky. I think to myself, it’s been a long time I lie down and looked up at the sky. Lying at the medical room, I could also saw the sky through the window. The white clouds pass through the big blue sky, it’s really difficult to describe the beautiful scenario. Yar! When one day I a finally completely bed-ridden, I can lie at the bed and watch the sky. A singer once sang a song, which the lyrics were “Keep moving forward! Even though tears are falling out….” Yes! Its that feeling. I fell asleep for an hour, and woke up refresh and went to the toilet. (Western Toilet) I sat at the toilet bowl thinking the answer and finally concluded. I am getting slower than usual.

Another email to contribute the translation and 1 Liter of Tears movie spotted in SG

Hi all,

First of all have to explain my dissapearance recently. Firstly, I having difficulty logging into blogger to key in the entries cause it always show empty pages and I have to try refresh and refresh, clear temporary files and many many things then with some luck it might work but sometimes also cannot. Secondly, my pregnancy there were some problems during the past week that lead me to some depression but not too worry as I have pulled myself together. Thirdly, my work is extremely stressful leaving me no time to translate the book. I will try to translate as soon as possible and post it as soon as possible.

Next is I receive a few emails of encouragements and questions. Some I managed to answer however some was accidentally deleted which I felt so bad after that cause I was also wanted to what u guys wrote to me. Thousand apologies cause my hotmail as lotsa spam and i had to check hundreds of mail and sometimes 1 or 2 get covered by so many mail and when i press delete suddenly i saw the title that I had stated to prevent confusion and I felt so regretful but it was too late as it was no longer recoverable. I tried to post an entry after that but I tried so hard the website just refuse to go in so I could oni write it in my tagboard. Therefore I create another bandgal@gmail.com so if there are any entries that u would like to contribute you can send it to this mail also with the same title

Subject Name: Contributions to Aya diary's translation.

Lastly, yesterday while shopping around a vcd shop, I finally saw the movie version of 1 liter of tears has arrived Singapore so if any Singaporean fans looking for it, you can find it at any Poh Kim Shops selling at $19.90. Basically this story line is toward more related to the real story using the real surname without Asou Kun with some lines exactly the same as the diary. But it was taken in the modern times and not during the sixties. Attached is the picture.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Bitter thoughts...

Teacher A and I were talking in the classroom, “I dreamt myself straightening my back, and finally I was able to walk again, and Teacher was very happy when you saw me.” Teacher said,” Thinking about it is ok, but during washing your own clothes or be the student on duty that moment, you will still feel tough right?”
She continued, ”There was a girl who suffer the same illness once wrote a poem “God made me disable, why do I still believe in god, is this testing my endurance?” Forcing the child to this end, I also felt helpless.”
I said, ”But teacher, actually I also thought of this too, why my body will suddenly fail on me, the reason could be sacrificing a lot of people’s convenience, giving them lots of trouble. Not only that, I also tried lots of reasons to comfort myself.”
Looking out of the window, I saw the beautiful rainbow and I hurried to my wheelchair and went out. Classmate T told me, “Wow. You’re so lucky to sit on the wheelchair.” I actually wanted to reply. “To me, walking is much more fortunate thing.” But not to spoil the beautiful rainbow scenario, I kept quiet.
Every Saturday, dad and mum and pick me up and stay at home for a night. Then Sunday night, I will return back to school. Every time seeing me with new bruises, Mum asked.” Do you fall often?” I answered, “Its due to rushing for time, because my movements are too slow, I have to ask the hostel auntie wake me up at 4am and study. Otherwise, I will never finish a day’s work… But sometimes I fall when I’m impatient and my movements are getting stiff, so I tend to fall down easily.”
All the while, I always wanted to maintain my walking ability, only when I am out then I will use the wheelchair. But some things are pretty urgent, for example the long journey to the library, because of the lack of time, I have to use the wheelchair. I take the wheelchair, my mind will always wander “Every time taking the wheelchair I would feel,” I could no longer walk anymore” That really makes me feel sad.
I met the hostel auntie at the passageway. ”Good morning.” ”Eh? You are taking the wheelchair, not bad maintaining a happy attitude.” Hearing those words, I felt my heart stuffy unable to breathe. I thought to myself.” What’s so happy about? I want to walk too. All because of unable to walk, makes me so troubled. I have no choice but to sit the wheelchair, do everyone thinks I enjoy sitting on the wheelchair?”
My mood was feeling really depressed that I don’t want to live up my head. My illness is getting worse… cause mum’s white hair seems to start appearing more and more…


Sorry if these entry I didn’t do a good job. One more entry before we start our Chapter 4. However it’s a super long entry that might have to divide into 4 parts. Hope you guys don’t mind.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Contributions to Aya diary's translation.

Hi all fans,

Of course u can contribute to Aya's diary translation. In fact if everyone can contribute their entries and help out complete the diary. It will soon be done and the others who cant read the diary can finish the diary soon.

If you wana contribute.... pls include this in your title as your subject name to be send to my email. Cause I have a lot of junk mail flooding into this mailbox, i don wana mistaken this as a junk mail.

Subject Name: Contributions to Aya diary's translation.

My email account is bandgal@hotmail.com. As I do not check email often,give me some time to add in the entry. Looking forward for any entry.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Soundtrack found in HMV Singapore Heeren

Hi All Fans Like me,

If you live in Singapore and would like to get the soundtrack for One Liter of Tears, I managed to spot it at Heeren HMV 3rd floor selling at S$21.95 . So much cheaper compared to me bot in Japan S$40 plus. Its exactly the same so if you wana get, you can get it over there.

Just sharing my discovery~

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Change of School. Life in the Hostel.

A car full of daily items, I finally join the Special School. Other students have also started going to school once the new term starts. The room was very big and spacious like a classroom and there’s a small passageway at the middle of the room with Tatami lying on the floor to differentiate the left and right of the room.

Everyone have his or her own study table, cabinet and lamp. The area nearest my room is my castle.
“You do not need these things yet, so it will be tight above; daily items that you will need everyday will be within reach.” Mum said as she unpacks everything for me.
Besides me, there were a few other girls’ mum busy unpacking for them, nobody bothered about my presence and I wondered if it should be a good or a bad thing.

“You have to forget about your previous school soon, and be a student here.” Teacher told me. For trying to forget the past as soon as possible, I kept the school badge in the deepest cornet of my drawer.

It’s getting more and more difficult for me to walk forward properly. I had to use all my might holding onto the handrails and my mouth would kept repeating…’ Don’t’ be afraid… Don’t be afraid…’ ‘Is it that I really can’t do it anymore?’ I wondered, and thinking these depressing things really makes me very lost.

“Human Beings sure can walk!”
B teacher words still linger around my mind. I also think so too! I want to walk forward and fight this on my own.

While on my way to the classroom, I fell down. I was crying and Teacher A saw me. He asked, “Are you feeling sad?” And I answered, “Instead of feeling sad, I think I felt unfair!”

Why do human beings use their legs to walk? It is natural to see friends running with their legs but now I can’t stop wondering why they can run and not me. Now walking is already a difficult task for me. Is this a correct choice to choose where I am now? Sometimes watching kids playing baseball… teacher playing with students at the hallway… Really makes me feel scary and lost.

Although I am no longer the student in my previous school, I still can’t acknowledge myself the reality of me being a student in this Special school.
If a stranger asked me which school I am from, this might be my answer I guess…


Two more entries before we proceed to the next Chapter and the last entry is going to be pretty long for Chapter 3. Sorry for waiting for so long, coming to my site and many of the encouraging comments. Here’s the next entry…

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Handicapped Buddies

“葡公英之会” is a gathering for the handicapped. They brought us to a western restaurant named “巴洛克” today, and there was a classical piano. After I told Miss 山口 to play the piano next time, she laughed.
After that, we went to 纯子’s house, although she can’t hear anything, but she can use sign language and communicate with us very well. Her expression is always so cute.
I’ve learnt a few sign languages, but I still want to carry on improving, so we can be best friends.
And I feel that her mum and my mum they sound alike.

(Teachings from my buddies)
1. As a handicapped, if we always don’t move forward, we will never change and improve ourselves.
2. Instead of pursuing things that are already lost, we might as well treasure the things we have now.
3. If we always moan how clever we are used to be, it will only increase our depression.

A very short translation for this entry. As usual, I don’t know the exact names to translate into Japanese words so I used the original Chinese words reflected in my Chinese diary and write it down. Basically they are some names that she wrote in her diary. If you appreciate my effort, do drop a comment, as it encourage me to continue. But don’t rush me cause as what I’ve explained, pregnancy for my first trimester is very tiring and I’m a Chinese and Chinese New Year is coming so I have to clean up and prepare the house for New Year. Hope u guys understand and forgive me. J

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


“Aya, I bought you a wheelchair”
Mum gently told me “Although the school has handrails along the hallway, but when turning, it could be pretty dangerous. While turning, you need to change from standing to squatting, then back to standing position again, sometimes there may be problems if u are impatient, not only that , u might fall during the process. If this problem continues, you won’t be able to go out alone. But with the wheelchair, even if you have not enough strength on your wrist, you just need to push the button gently and you can travel up the slope easily. I heard the wheelchair can travel around 5km/hour which is almost similar to walking speed. Not only it’s not dangerous, the operations are easy too which is very ideal for you to use. But you mustn’t be spoilt or too dependent to the wheelchair, must always use your own strength to walk, and not to be too lazy. Can you promise to learn well on the wheelchair operations?”
“Can I really travel outside all by myself finally?” I can’t help at the top of my world feeling my world has expanded one more round.
I want to travel all by myself.
No longer do I need to write down the name of the book I want and ask someone to buy it for me. It seems like a dream to me to see the bookstore boss passing the book I want directly to me.
Great! Before I proceed to Special School, I will read the operation manual and try practice outside.
The company sent the wheelchair to my house. I watched them setup the wheelchair, inserting the two handles, on the button and the wheelchair is ready to go.
“Aya, try the wheelchair. You just have to grab the handle and push back and forth, you can go anywhere with it and the operations are very easy.”
I sat on it; slightly push my hand forward and the wheelchair moves forward. The wheelchair produces a soft sound while moving. I tried turning and pushed myself to practice for a while. Not for a short while, my usual tantrum started again, my tears can’t help falling.
“What happened?”
“It’s been a long time since I can move around with freedom. I am so happy.” Although replying that, but my heart felt complicated, words could not describe how I feel right now. I want to practice hard and sooner or later I will be able to travel to the bookshop with no problems.
I looked out the window and it was raining.
I work hard cleaning the kitchen and toilets and felt like a new strength has been injected to my body.
Although I have stop studying (Luckily I still felt like a student)
Talking about the wheelchair, (Note: Japanese translated as “Car Chair”) In Japanese, Sister can be known as chair and father as car, combining would be a wheelchair. ??????? Pardon my understanding for this paragraph.
During my first year in school, my younger sister saw the wheelchair in a hospital; and was so tempted to sit on it and play. Mum said, “Wheelchair is not for you to play. They are for people who are inconvenient to walk.”
Till now, I still remember these words.
I can’t help thinking (Some people from a camp in Germany I think) that we are alike because our feelings are starting to get numb as time goes by.


As usual, black fonts are from me and not from the diary. Smilez...

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Where does my blog start from????

I receive a few comments asking where my translation starts from. Its actually start from

Prediction (Chapter 3)

Cause I have no idea how to sort out the post in last order. Starting from "Prediction" just read all the way up is the correct order for the diary.

The diary translation before "Prediction" has been translated by Pye and Kiwi already so I didnt translate.

The website is http://www.xanga.com/OneLitre if u dont know.

Hi! Long time no see.. I think I might start again~

Hi if I still have any readers,

First of all, a happy 2007 year to u. After much thinking, was thinking of continue to translate the diary. But cant decide cause first of all, I am now pregnant and most of the time I feel tired. However, there is this urge to continue. Cause after I stopped translating, i stop reading as well.

Give me some time to decide, if u still wan me to continue translating and don mind my bad english, do drop me a note or comment so I will know anyone interested to read. However the frequency won be so often as last time, maybe once a week.

During my honeymoon last Dec,I went to Japan and managed to get the soundtrack of 1 litre of tears so I find means and ways to scan and managed to scan the background of the cd so it will be easier if anyone is looking for the cd. Attached is the picture.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Thanks for the support

Hi Guys...

Really thanks for the support for these 2 weeks... Just went back the previous website,Kiwi and Pye are translating the diary again and I felt it was so much more clearer.. So thought I should not double translate this diary and i shall end here...

The website is http://www.xanga.com/OneLitre if u dont know.

Thank u all for the support u have given me...

ayafan :)

Thursday, August 24, 2006


Mum was making a phone call, later she shouted downstairs.” Everyone let’s bring Aya to YUNI shopping center. The staffs said they provide wheelchairs over there, Aya can go with us together.”
As it was spring holidays, everyone is around and free to go together. Around 15 minutes later, we reached YUNI”
I hung the usual small bag I always carry around my neck, while sister pushed me to the ladies fashion department. To me, these products are something that I will never have the chance to wear again. I saw one beautiful dress and I really wanted to try it. But as I always fall, I can only wear long pants to protect my knee. Wearing skirt is like a dream to me already. Today, I finally had the courage and tell my request to buy the dress.
After mum bought for me, she said,” One is enough, Anyway the weather is getting hotter soon. I was so happy. The dress was printed with whites flowers and the four area edges were surrounded with laces. Wearing it makes feel alive and afresh again! I guess everyone will praise me hot cute I look? Even if it’s just once, I really hop everyone will say that to me.
As we were preparing for my new hostel life, we bought an entire bag of undergarments, socks and towels. I suddenly felt empty, after a few more days, I have to stay in Special School and separate with my family.
Although I have made up my mind not to cry, but thinking of that, how am I supposed not to cry? I must be strong, no matter what happens, I must maintain a positive attitude, in the future then I will a great person.

Sorry for not updating for these 2 days, cause I have been busy fixing my pc and been busy, no computers for me to use. I will try to make some time organize the blog a little as I know the archive entries kind of difficult to navigate but blogspot seems don’t have this function or I could not find, so give me sometime to improve this site to make it more user friendly… Last of all, one entry for you…Here it is…

Monday, August 21, 2006


The small case of Dr Yamamoto
She wore slightly thin glasses, shorthaired, always wearing white. No matter earrings, rings or other accessories, always gives people feeling refresh and clean.
She is my doctor in charge, even if she changed to another university hospital, she never failed to keep in contact with me, because of this I also choose to change hospital as well.
She thinks very quickly, no matter what things she does she is fast, and she can also diagnose things very accurately. She even drove me using her car and travel to other hospital for checkups, and it s really very unbelievable strength.
“ Which school are you from?” I asked.
“Minghe” (Sorry don’t know the Japanese name for this school) She simply replied.
That is a very good school; only the tops will be able to go in even I had hard that school name before. I heard she rose to university straight, but she wasn’t proud at all, always so caring. That’s why Aya always like her so much. But Aya with her is also required not to show any weak side of her sickness.

Visiting the hospital and clinic visit is almost 1and a half year, but my sickness didn’t seems to improve and got worse day by day, even I could it myself.
Probably my small brain cells are slowly dying, my entire body system is slowly down bit-by-bit, even simple movements like raising my leg seems to be difficult. Even turning my body proves to be a difficult task, talking I have to talk word by word now, cant speak loudly, my laughter no longer are big like Haha but became like hehe…Difficulty in swallowing happens frequently, my tongue ability to taste seems to have also lost.
The next time for my hospital visit, I want to ask doctor, how far this sickness is going to go further worse! I hope the doctor would tell me the truth.
Even knowing the truth would be bad, but I still have to face the fact. I decided base on the doctor answer and reflect once more my own future.
(Now my prediction for my future)
1st Year- Dong Gao
2nd Year- Special School
3rd Year- Special School
Later part- Work at home (Take care of the house and do housework)
Even though I know going back Dong Gao is impossible, but I want to make full use 2nd Year’s time, I still need to plan.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

San Gatsu Kokonoka


One of my favourite clip that I wana share with you guys... Really love the choir song...

Waking up my thoughts

Finally March 22nd has arrived. After the simple graduation ceremony, we went back to the classroom. Everyone wrote about half a page of "Farewell thoughts" for me.
I really wanted to say it out loud. "Thank you all this time for your help to Aya, I will never forget forever.Although I will be leaving school,but I will carry on working hard, and I hope everyone will not forget, the movement's inconvenient Aya studying together studying in here.
However,... my tears system seems to have failed again and I cried. finally in the end, these words didnt came out from my mouth.

S, Y Chan....
Teacher told me,they say..sometimes taking care of Aya is like a burden. Why didn't I notice that before? Thinking of this, I really felt uneasy, all this while I have been only thinking about myself, and in the end I made everyone so tired, it's all my fault.
Sigh... I have nothing to argue at all!
Things that have been happening lately I should start reflecting myself...

I wrote on the bamboo.. I want to be a normal girl. My sister saw it and scolded me.. " Which part of you is not normal?"
" I only wrote the facts, cant't I?" I argued. Cooling down and thinking about it, maybe she understand my sickness, but still won't agree to the truth that I am already a disable now.

Friday, August 18, 2006


There is still 4 days before graduation. Everyone seems to be folding paper cranses(100% feeling sure) for me. I saw I-chan and G-chan folding paper cranes, felt so touched. Even if we separate, I will never forget this moment.
I'm really happy they fold paper cranes for me, and prayed for my happiness, but I do hope they would say "Aya,don't leave"Facing myself who have not been working hard, I didnt tell my friends that.Somehow I was angry with myself deep down my heart.
But I followed Shuko teacher's promise( Don think bad about your friends) I will not hurt my friends. I remember my mother's words " Forget about the past. Thinking about the past also would not have any way to return back the past. Life is like 3 steps forward and 2 steps backwards.
Someone gave me a fruit. I really love that fruit's color. To me its a warm color. I said farewell to Shuko's teacher, and teacher made a small comment" Don't expect too much on yourself, things you can do are not only studying. Next step is working life and u should consider it as well. Even if I think Education is a must, you can also avoid carrying the bag, washing the plates, just focus on studying, isn't it? (DON't understand) But your area of focus will be narrowed down. Aya have to learn t change. The difference between Special School and hospitalisation is there any difference? Comparing with the Special school's kids, you have more experience outside the society, however experiencing the outside world doesn't mean u can have your own way. Although you are already 16 years old, there is still some childish attitude that might make you unhappy. I feel perhaps because you are too young so you haven't experience life fully yet. Now its not too late to change. Kambatte! Things you cant work hard in this school, you can still archieve in Special School. Everyone will remember forever the good memories of your existence in this school."
I am very happy to have such a kind teacher,teacher said " I have to go." smiled and left.

Exams are over, I had holidays till before graduation.My parents organised a farewell party for me, I invited all my friends along. Everyone played poker,chess and were very happy. S-chan gave me a coffee cup,Y-chan gave me a music box, and A-chan gave me flowers.
"You all have to study hard, study Aya's share as well. Hope you guys will remember Aya whenever you see this pen. After mum finished,she pass the pens to my friends and I, everyone became silent. Finally it was the end of the party, I cant control and cried, but I struggled my tears because I have already decided not to cry and say goodbye to everyone...

This should be a happy moment for me but after everyone left, I felt sad and cried again...

I kind of don't understand most of things in this entry that I translate. Hope u guys don blame me. I seems to translate the teacher being mean instead of being kind.. Anyway, I think thats a kind teacher maybe she was pretty direct~??~~

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Arranging my thoughts ( Part 2)

On the way home, we went to Huimei’s(惠美) home.
As we called before we came, Aunt prepared a lot of food for us.
After dinner, I slept immediately. Now is not the time to study anymore.
Last term exams, as I didn’t want to regret, I studied real hard, but there are so many thing happening to me thus couldn’t concentrate.
The classroom is decorated with papaya flower, the red petals are really pretty, but why is it called “Papaya”.

S teacher said,”
1- must maintain your personal hygiene. A lot of people misunderstand that disable are very dirty. To avoid misunderstanding, you must be strict with yourself and practice personal hygiene.
2- must treasure your current friends.
3- learn typewriting
4- don’t forget your school (东高)
Teacher’s words and my thinking (Although I didn’t say it out) wandered in my heart. Imagining myself standing in a centre, people around me forming a circle, they kept repeating “ Special School… “The circle starts to become smaller. Beside special school I have no other place to go. Even if I have other thoughts, it can only be a dream. Finally I decided not to think so much and will go and attend Special School.

Ever since I decided to go to Special School, time seems to fly past very fast. Although emotionally I already made up my mind, but mentally I still felt something was missing, so my feelings are still very unstable.
After reading the bible, I’ve been able to accept his teachings but mentally I can’t (Sorry Jesus, I have no religion, if I want to be Christian, it would be slightly difficult.)
Yes. I should sit down think everything seriously and carefully.

(东高(Ex school) Advantage)
If there is Aya, will allow others to experience studying together with a disable.
Comparing my healthy classmates and me, the differences can motivate me to study harder.
Can learn a lot from my teachers and friends.

(东高 (Ex school) Disadvantage)
Cannot complete things in time allocated.
Over depending on my teachers and friends
Only limited friends. Can’t go everywhere I want to.

(Special School Advantage)
Can live on myself
Lessen burden
Can see a better future
Can learn a skill that I can cope.
Can know friends who are also like me

(Special School Disadvantage)
1.Won’t be able to receive disable privileges
Won’t be able to make friends with normal people.
My learning speed will slow down.

Finally can spare some time to update. Here it is the second part...


Hi everyone, u guys must be wondering I havent been updating. Just a quick hop in. MY pc broke down and I cant write anything into the blog at all. Now using my sister pc and drop u guys a note. Suspect my CPU's power supply. Kept on restarting itself for no reason and now finally i cant boot up. So angry,,, Will try to fix my pc and recover back as soon as possible. Meanwhile, I will try to translate if I have the time in my office(Already have the translated in hard copy) so do forgive me if it is not frequent. Thanks...

Monday, August 14, 2006

Arranging my thoughts (Part 1)

The class list for the second years are out, but inside the class list my name is missing.
Although I already know this will happen, but I still felt a bit disappointed. I thought, if my body could get better, it would be really great.
From now onwards, I should stop thinking about it.
When will I stop daydreaming?
My own health, how can I don have the confidence to cure?
Holding a pen’ strength seems to get worse, could it be a sign of my sickness getting worse?

It’s ok to fall down.
Anyway, we can still get up, isn’t that a good thing?
While falling down look up the sky.
The blue sky high up my head, seems so wide and limitless
Can you see it smiling at you?
I am still alive

I cried in front of my friends. The club teacher asked me,’ Have you applied for leaving school preparations?” After listening I couldn’t help being upset. Your fond of crying should lessen down. This will let the others get tired, besides it won’t do any good to your health. So better start changing. Instead of crying, smiling looks much cuter. From now onwards, if there is something I want to say, I should say it out, before I start crying.

Now my feelings are in a blank. I didn’t bathe and slept straightaway. Tomorrow I have to go Special School for an interview. Since I already made up my decision, I should stop crying

I kept praying.. No matter what, I want to be someone great.

Special School.., Gave ones feel a sad feeling, Cant they give a better name for this school? Even there is “care” in the school, But doesn’t “care” in the society exist in the society? The interview teacher said,” This degree of disability, actually she can still continue in her previous school… As long as she has no problems understanding the lessons, other problems will be able to solved. Special school standard is definitely lower than the normal schools. Regarding this point, do you really don’t want to reconsider?”
Stop saying that, I don’t want to hear these comforting words anymore! I thought to myself. Even if Dr Yamamoto went to talk to the school ministries staff, deep in my heart I am still hoping for some hope. But finally still, all decision still comes from the Principal.
Mum replied to the Special schoolteacher, “東高 (ex school) said it’s impossible to continuing studying over there. For us to get here, we also experience a series of family revolution then we finally decided. She (Aya) also experiences a lot of problems. Now hoping for a brand new start is also her wish to come here. Regarding her previous school, we don’t bear much hope over there. So please change back the topic regarding the Special school”
To tell the truth, I was still hoping there is still hope for me going back, but after mum’s word, my idea entirely changed. Now, me and my mum together as one, as long as mum is still willing to support me, I must work harder. God.. I still want to listen to my mum. Because mum’s every action I could feel her motherly love in it. I have to work harder!


If you notice, there are some fonts that are smaller, which I think maybe are poems that she wrote but truly I really no ides but just notice the words became bold and much smaller at this parts compared to the rest.


Sunday, August 13, 2006

Songs in my Blog

Hi Guys,

I changed some format for my display of songs after searching around the net. Instead of playing directly whenever you guys enter,If u notice my side bar you can actually play the songs that you like whenever u are reading the diaries entries or choose not to listen. Just click play and its done. I not the one hosting the songs but I can tell u the links where I found the songs. As per request, from one of a comment. :)

Its http://www.radioblogclub.com/search/0/konayuki for the place I search for Konayuki
and http://www.radioblogclub.com/search/0/1_litre_of_tears for the rest.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Revolution (Part 2)

I am finally relieved.
Even if I am a disable, my mentality thinking is the same as any other normal human being. This kind of feeling is like stairs; steadily climbing up to the highest peak, but suddenly tripped and fell down to the lower floors. My teachers and my friends are all healthy, although it’s upsetting for me, but no matter what it will not remove this differences.
I will be leaving school soon. From then onwards, holding the name of a disability and carry on with my life. Although this was my decision, but before I experience this, I must cry at least one Litre of Tears, in the future may become more.
I have to endure! My Tears!
If I encounter setbacks and admit losing, I will be so useless.
Encountering setbacks, I must work even harder, I must never admit lose!

After the New Year, I went to the hospital and met Dr Yamamoto felt much better. And the urge to work harder became more. Mum told the doctor about me entering the Special School. Doctor will approach some health ministries staff for advice. At a moment, my heart suddenly felt a glimmer of hope, but it soon became evaporating bubbles. All these are just my mind’s never-ending revolution.
You are really too pampered! Now finally you discover it. Because you over depend on people, your friends are starting to feel tired, now it’s already too late. The whole family went to “Asakama” restaurant for dinner. Mum and my sibling talk about me going to Special School soon, I cant help myself but shouted out “ Enough! I have already agreed going to Special school so can we stop talking about it!?”
“ Aya,Although you are going alone to Special School, but this not just your own problem. This is the whole’s family problem, so everyone should discussed together, help and encourage.. This is very important! “ Mum said. Good, since everything is out is also a good thing after all. All my unhappiness are finally cleared. The hamburger and steak were very tasty and the ice cream was unbelievable great too.
W-classmate, O-classmate, D-classmate, thanks for greeting me everyday. I really am happy. M-classmate thanks for carrying my bag everyday. And H-classmate, finally I can say good morning to you. What a long year for me! Spending a year together with everyone is really very happy; I have already made up my decision. Goodbye Everyone. Hope everyone will always be healthy…

Next one is a pretty long one...

Revolution (Part 1)

“ I want to go to Special School.” Finally I decided my decision. I told myself I have already attended 3 semesters in high school, its time to part now.
(Dissatisfaction 1)
N teacher… the teacher that till now I still respect and thrust. To end everything at this point, my feelings still doesn’t feel good. I rather teacher wouldn’t go around the bush and approach my mum. “ It takes a long time for your daughter to change classes. “ And instead he should tell me straight “ Your stay in school is a hassle, please change to Special School soon!”
Even in this case, I won’t get angry but please do not keep asking me “ Has you mum mention anything to you yet?” Why? Why must he pretend he didn’t know anything? Teacher, why don you tell me straight?
I am already used to this series of blows coming day by day. Why didn’t you tell me straight if you want me to leave school during my second year? I can’t avoid but reconsidering. I want to work hard till my last strength… but now I can’t even do that. I have to leave school filled with regret. That’s the most upsetting moment.
(Dissatisfaction 2)
A conversation with S-Chan. “ If you change to Special School, you won’t feel outcast anymore, changing of classrooms, cleaning, it won’t be that difficult anymore. I feel that if you go earlier, it will be easier getting use to the enviroment. How about it, want to try harder? “ This words are like arrows stabbing right through my heart.
S-chan and I still maintain our friendship, as there is still 99% of concern from her and 1% of unhappiness. Tears shouldn’t fall at all although these words really hurt me hard. Because of S-chan, it let me understand the importance of my reconsideration.

Sorry for the delay... Here goes~

The Chapters in One Litre Of Tears Diary

Chapter 1- My Family (14 Years Old)
Chapter 2- Enduring my sickness (15 Years Old)
Chapter 3- The start of my problems (16 Years old)
Chapter 4- I can't sing anymore (17 Years Old)
Chapter 5- The truth (18 Years Old)
Chapter 6- Maybe there isn't any cure at all (19 Years Old)
Chapter 7- I don't want to give up (20 Years Old)
Chapter 8- Life's Limit (21 Years Old)

Currently we are in Chapter 3. :)

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Decision Part 2

I had a conversation with her. She wants me to call her Xiaosha 小莎. In his family consist of his father, mother, younger sister and 40 over mice….
Her home garden has her mice’s tomb, and she grew (???Forgotten grass???? So sorry… I know it sound silly.) 忘優草. It is said this grass in French sounds similar to (white mice ears.) She said the grass and the ears both do look alike too。
If (???) knows that someone is going to die, the other one will represent the other and die. Your (Aya) legs are not convenient to move around, so as usual will represent u and live on.
She carried on” It believes on super powers (She hit on my palm). Standing at their position, we humans are like super beings; standing in a blind person’s position, those who have good eyesight are also super beings. Xiaosha is very straightforward and I really like her. But even if its Xiaosha or Aya, next year we wont be able to see each other again.
(I seriously don understand the entire paragraph, so sorry if u don too. :()
During the GC (Thinks its English literature or English) lesson, K classmate cried” So angry”(His exams results were not good)
Teacher in charge ignore his crying and scolded him” Don’t cry! What’s the use of crying? In the beginning you should have work harder!”
So scary, no matter how bad my results are I don’t want to be scolded like this…thinking and thinking; I can’t help but felt depressed.
Chatting with S-chan about after sports experience, we chat the body back are like hot buns feeling hot.
Not necessary football or basketball, even there is no ball, running is enough for me. Even now thinking about those things that I could no longer do, I still feel depressed.

Saw the movie (Wandering Hero) from the TV. I believe in God, thinking that all this that I encounter are tests from God, I felt much better. These positive feelings I have to carry on and not forgetting it.
Soon it will be a new year. This year I want to thank to those who have helped me. To me, next year is mentally revolution year, because the current Aya, still cannot accept being a disable.
I am really very scared…. But I still have to face the music, am I right? Is it the time I should start attending Special school????
Thinking of the special school makes me worried again. Me being a disable, perhaps it might be a better place for me. But I still want to stay in 東高 (her high school). I want to study together with my friends, learn more knowledge and be a great person. I do not dare to imagine I no longer have any healthy classmates.
Mum took some time to discuss with me about Special School, over there, Aya can spent all her time do things she want to do. She can also turn from receiving help from others to giving help to others. I am now at a critical point where decision must be made soon.


I know this translation is bad. Please bear with my lousy translation... This is getting harder and harder. Cry~~~~

The website with the previous diary entries.

I surf the net and notice some other fans do put in the website address of the previous diary so I was thinking it should be ok to write down the website address as there are people who went in to my blog are interested seeing the previous website who publish the early diary entries.Think can also help promote the other website which I think should be a good thing. If someone could promote my site, I would be really happy too...

so there goes


if anyone wants to see the episode guide of the drama "One Litre of tears" it's here


however if the author doesnt wants me to publish do feel free to leave a comment and I will remove it off immediately...

Decision ( Part 1)

Mum went to Special School 養護學校 (think it’s a school for the handicapped) at (岡?) for a visit. After returning, she told me the environment of the school. I don’t know the reason but I cried again.
Sister will be having exams soon. Currently she is studying hard now, but me on the other hand in the other room staring blankly.
My brain is now in a mess, all I could think is “Special School”. To be frank to myself, I know it’s impossible for me to graduate in 東高 (Her high school but I don know what’s the name if Japanese)。
However, Special school to me seems like an unforeseen world.
(Special School's Hopes)
1) Can see my future
2) Proceed the life I should have
3) A Well equipped environment and pace.
4) Can make more friends who are also similar with me
(Special School's Fear)
1) Losing contact with the outside world
2) Can I get use to staying in the hostel
3) Separation with my friends in 東高
4) What would people think if they know I am from a Special School
5) Boys
6) Family changes
If I will to go to Special school and stay in their hostel, will younger sister still remember me? And would younger brother, even if just for once in a while, still remember the days we spent together? (The feeling seems to be like commit suicide)
S-chan had to stay in the hostel since the first year because she stayed too far from school.
The reason may be different but the lonely feelings is the same.
A big housefly flew into the house from the window.
I mustn’t kill the housefly during the winter, thinking that during the summer they would breed lots of babies, I suddenly felt (LIFE)’s secret feeling. Thus I didn’t kill it.
Looking out from the window, I could see the new school building (Did I translate right? 校舍) I felt emotional. Ah… this is 東高. Looking up. The big moon hanged high up in the sky.
Mum said “ Even Aya don’t like to be sick, body movements are not convenient, and there are still things that I still can do. If I cant even think properly, I will not be able to feel my friend’s tender care towards me.”
Sitting with S-chan near the river, we talk casually and listen to bird’s singing.
“ I think Aya has changed. Now u will say (How beautiful is the big blue sky)… etc… I noticed you are more sensitive to the surroundings now.” S-chan said.
“ Is there anyone that makes u feel good?” I asked her.
“ Erm..Maybe my little brother or sister. Because they makes me more confidant. But I still prefer being alone as the feelings are more relax.” S-chan said.
S-chan chose to be alone, but Aya is forced to separate with her family. That is such a big difference…

(A 3rd year female student with “tiger teeth”) (?????)
There is a girl tied with 麻花辨 (I think it meant braces) from the Biology club who loves mouse a lot. She went to the library with me and I reached there surprisingly with no one’s help but of course she waited for me and we walked together slowly.
At her home, she has forty over mice, so she chatted with me about the beginning when she had her first mouse. “ Her name is Nana, it’s a female mouse and because of breast cancer the mouse died. The symptoms are the same as humans. I really hate animals die.”
I know nothing about her, even though I could check with my friend or teacher about her, I chose to understand her through our conversation.

As usual, this recent entries are getting pretty long for at least 5-7 pages so I will break to 2 parts as it takes really a long time for me to translate. (Around 2 hours) For this entry, I really don’t know a lot of words and as no one that I could ask cause most of the people I know are like me, I could only roughly guess or put in the Chinese words hopefully a kind soul would hop in and tell me what is that word (thru comments).
Can I ask a favor from you guys if u are reading my blog to comment if possible cause I really don know if the diary that I translate is understandable or not. Or maybe an encouragement if u think I did well to keep me going :p… Hehe… Thanks a million…

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I Don’t Want to Grow Up! (Part 2)

Today, there was a change of seating arrangements. I was shifted to the front rows. Everyday as usual being late, I will think of ways on how to walk, from which direction to reach my seat as soon as possible. Seems that the only way is through skating. If I don’t take care of my body, I will get tired easily, yawn, nose blocked, thus my mood turns very bad.
Today’s lunch dessert is steamed yam, taste delicious~
Although it’s just 2.30pm, the feelings seems to be turning night time. From home, I could see the sakura trees, and all the leaves have already fallen from the tree. I guess the school’s tree’s leaves should have already turned red. Now I can only depend on my friends’ shoulder or walkway handle and walk, if I lift up my head, I will fall down.

It's School visiting day, luckily my family members did not come. I even hope mum couldn’t come either. Like that I will feel better, I don’t like to be specially treated. From the look of others, “Look, she is a disable.” Like this, I will surely cry again” Who would be happy to have their health to become liked this??? During dinner, I thought of it again and can’t help crying again.
During the meeting that day, mum and I were called for a talk. If my mathematics improves, I might be able to promote to the next year’s class. Aya. Kambatte~!!
Now the time is 11pm, I saw a half moon from the east windows and it makes me smile. Switching off the lights, can I pray??

Studying together with the rest of the healthy classmates, I just can’t stop feeling useless.
I’m feeling really terrible…
But on the second thought, these feelings can turn into my learning strength.
I love my school; love the teachers, S-chan. Y-ko chan, M-chan. I also like the senior who give me chocolates while waiting for my mum at the dessert shop.

The part 2 of I don wana grow up! I starting to wonder am I translating correctly certain parts cause those parts doesnt make sense to me while reading it from the chinese version. Thus translating to english could turn more weired.. Hope u guys can understand.. hehe...

I Don’t Want to Grow Up! (Part 1)

Seeing me crying so heavily, mum scolded me “ Only babies cry! What kind of high school student are you?”
For Huimei (My cousin).
Huimei, Why Aya likes to cry that much? Why cant she be like the past, always smiling. I really miss the past!
If there is a time machine, I want to take it and go back to the past and see myself running, walking and playing…. but, the current me just have to face the present future.
Must I really face the present?
I Don’t Want to Grow Up!!!
Time! Please stop! I want to stop crying.
Is my crying system spoilt?
The current time now is 9pm. Even if all the watches/clocks in the world are spoilt, time will still keep on spinning? Isnt it?
Life is limited, yet time is never ending.
I should stop thinking too much.

I love walking.
During my 1st year, I ever walked home for around 5km and on the way plucking flowers looking at the big blue sky. As the clouds pass by, my problems seem to go as well. Compared to cycling or driving, I still prefer walking.
Sigh! It will be great if I can walk alone again…
My friend ever told me…when she is alone, she feels like a bad child. There are also others… when you are enjoying being alone; the feeling is the best moment of truly being yourself. (???????)
No, I hate being alone, I am afraid all being alone by myself!
What exactly I lived for now???
I always accept people’s help, but I can’t provide any help to the others. Perhaps learning is my only objective now.
Even if it is just 3 metre of walkway, I can’t walk through smoothly. Life really can’t depend on mental strength and lived on???
I want to be like Air, and when everyone lost it then they will discover the importance of it, and also hope I will be gentle and able to understand people.

Sorry I had to break the parts into 2 cause it’s pretty long for me to translate…(5 pages) Pardon me if some parts u cant understand what the translated diary is writing about, cause I myself also cant understand the meaning at some areas thus makes my translating worse… By the way, forgive me if I can’t write down the real name and ended up “Huimei” cause I don know what exactly is the Japanese name Aya is referring to… Meanwhile if anyone knows, drop me a note and I will make the changes….

The diary starts to become very difficult to translate and pretty long parts. So please forgive me if u can’t understand some parts… Gomei nei~

Monday, August 07, 2006

The Blank 2 Hours (While waiting at the dessert shop)

During this terrible 2 hours, I have to force myself looking at the people walking in and out and also forcing myself to listen to words that are not meaningful. Sigh… Time is just wasted like that….
Although taking a public bus to school can be also boring, but I can still feel (Human Activities) are very strong. Apart from that, I can also see the sceneries of the 2 side surroundings, store displaying fruits… and the atmosphere of the season.

While I am walking (Of course with friends holding me), at that point of time, I felt someone was looking at me. I can’t help but walk faster and faster. I even fold up my collar. Then suddenly, I heard someone saying something that hit me really hard and made me so depressed.
“ So Pitiful…. Is the child a disabled”

This is a pretty short entry but it was pretty sad dono my translation manage to capture the sadness Aya is writing in her diary. While reading this entry and the next entry, I cant help but teared and I had to stop for a while( I must be too emotional.LOL) At that point of time, I was also hearing Only Human (the ending song of the drama thus became emotional. Hope u guys can understand this entry. ..

Sunday, August 06, 2006

My Prediction (Chapter 3)

I have * disease, unstoppable crying problem,scared of man, lost of confidence....
I cant talk loudly,muscles are getting weak,could the reason be my lack of breath*( I also blur~ cannot understand) I also dono the reason why.
Perhaps it could be the decrease of the area of places I can go.Already I don't know what exactly I want now. Just purely wana do something, Anything! Everyone has been very patient and nice to me but this makes me more upset.
After lesson I went to the toilet with Y-ko chan and we both ended up 10 minutes late. " Sorry. very Sorry." Not only feeling guilty, I was also angry with myself.
" So Angry, Felt unfair. Why I can't complete such a small thing" Currently there is no difference between me and a disabled.
Ears cant listen is not unfortunate,just inconvenient only.
If I want to be fortunate in the future,I have to have the normal functions of a normal person.!You are still 16 years old,still young. Kambatte!!!
Today,Teacher make use of our free period and allocate us the duties of taking care of the classroom. There are 45 students in the class, members is 44.
If i start thinking that I am a extra i will feel even worse,I will just treat myself like an angel.
I can still pick up the rubbish,close the windows,there are still a lot of things that I can do.
I really cannot take it anymore.
No, I cannot give up like this!But no matter how hard I try or cheer myself, after seeing the people around getting to their goals,it makes me feel more upset.
I went to watch a marathon all by myself, hoping I can see something to motivate myself but in the end makes me feel worse. Because RUNNING has become a common for me to get upset. friends have start to leave me, a body that I cannot control well is my greatest obstacle now.
* ( Some book names she refer of her current similar situation but very difficult to translate the name of the book)
I need to think of the future on how to live well and not think of how I will become in the future. Better start thinking how to walk the right way,which direction to go, don force myselft routes that are not suitable for me. Even cleaning, I have to think of a way of contributing my help to others. This things I should start considering now.
I felt pitiful.But at least these things, half still have their advantages.If I don comfort myself,I wont be able to do anything at all.
My body starts to become stiff recently,is it because of the cold weather or am i detoriating? Even walking with a handle I can also fall down if I dont hold it well. The road has already become a hazard and dangerous place for me. Every morning,mum have to fetch and sent me to school,carry me to shoe area, while I wear my sport shoes(everyone wears the school shoes),mum will carry my bag and my lunch box to the classroom. Me nothing to carry at my hands slowly climb my way up to the classroom.
After school,I went to the desert shop and wait till 6pm" Go inside and wait,you can do your homework or read a book" The dessert shop Auntie said.
As the students that just finished their activities likes to go to the dessert shop ,even I felt embaressed,I have no other choice but to endure.
As usual today while changing classroom for next lesson,I fell down again.This round my left cheek really hurt badly. S chan help me again but before "Thank You" could come out from my mouth,my tears fell again. I couldnt say a single word out.


Wow! it sure is difficult translating and I found out my English and Chinese is pretty poor. Pardon me of there is any wrong translation. The 2 gals who translate before me really are good and they have translate that much already.!~ Credits and 3 cheers to them I will try my best to translate as good as possible. I have decided to make the font blue if I am writing the translation and black if I myself is writing to avoid confusion.. So if u are reading,please take note..Ok... :) Hope my next one will come soon... rest for today...

A slight introduction of Kitou Aya

Many information that I got from the Internet. Here it is...

Kitou Aya is a young high school student who finds out that she has Spinocerebellar Degeneration. This disease causes the person to lose control over his or her body however the person retains all of her mental ability thus this disease is like a prison. Through her struggles, Aya finds words to inspire herself to become strong and cope with the disease and has subsequently inspired millions of readers to overcome their own strife.

Above is one of the photos of the drama's Aya

1リットルの涙 One Litre of Tears Starts~


Thanks for coming this site. I am just a new fan who wants to share the diary of Kitou Aya. It was around August 01 2006 where I stumble on this drama One litre of tears. While surfing around at a forum looking for good korean dramas. I saw one of a forum titles " One Litre of Tears" so I went in and saw many people commenting how good and this drama is and how sad yet meaningful it is. I always love watching sad dramas and so I surf around the net looking for information and leads me to youtube for the first episode of One Litre of Tears. It was great and the first episode it was already pretty addictive for me so the next day i went to get the vcds. It wasnt easy finding this show as a lot of vcds shops will out of stock but still I managed to get one luckily. I finished the drama within 2 days and true enough at the end, the drama was so sad and i almost cry every episode,it also woke me up that I should treasure what I have now even if it is just a normal body I am already very lucky and fortunate.

I told all my frens how great this show is and hopefully someone like me will also learn something from her. I wanted to read the diary of Kitou Aya and went to search the Internet and thankfully to 2 devoted fans like me. They translated some parts of the diary(Japanese Version) and I was able to understand what the real Kitou Aya wrote in the diary. Well however they stop writing recently and I was so looking forward that I begin looking for the diary at many bookshops and finally managed to find the chinese version at Kinokuniya. Reading the diary, I could felt how Aya felt. And so I decided, I want to join this 2 fans of 1 litre of tears to translate this Japanese diary to English and share it with other parts of the world who is not able to read both Japanese and Chinese. I will not translate the parts that they have already translated so if u are interested u might wana search the net and read the beginning of Aya's diary. I cant write down the site's web address cause I didnt seek any permission from them but just a tip the site is from Xanga.

However, I need to clarify I read the diary from the Chinese translated version and I am not sure if there is any difference to the original japanese version. Besides that it was in Chinese Tradional writings and I studied Chinese Simplified writings in school thus some of the words I could not figure out the meaning or what exactly is that word. My english is also pretty poor so translating from Chinese to English, I will try my best to make it readable for u guys. Please pardon my spelling,grammar or whatever if there is any. If there is any words that i am unable to translate, I will put a * , which means I don know what the hell that word is and people is free to comment or help me out.

Lastly, I am just a fan who understands the rest of the other fans feelings unable to read the English Version thus decided to translate Kitou Aya's diary as there isnt any in the market yet so to share the diary to others. So please don sue me if there is any Copyright or whatever law issue and drop me a comment before something bad happen to me. Thanks to all who come in to my site and do remember to share Aya's determination to the rest of the people around us.